Traveling the Void- God is with Us

Ode to "God is with Us" ( Emanuel ) 

I'm sitting in the hospital bed at 2:02 in the am and I have You on the Brain. It's feb 25 a little more than twenty years since we first met. It may have been the first time that I told you that I loved you. Curse the words.

I have the abitily of keen insight into an indiviual. It's not up for debate, it exists. Finally though that insight has come home to roost and home has never felt so warm.

There were alot of things about you Emanuel that attracted me to you. You were my First. They say you Never forget your first. Oh boy, truer words have never been spoken.

You were the first man that I loved.
The first man that I Trusted. 
The first man that I felt I could speak my Heart to.
The first person that I could admire from close. 
You had a disiplined mind... I wonder how he does that? 
Anywho.. were's the ice cream
The most endearing part was that you were into Me. I had never had someone so interested in me before. Never had someone think that " wanting to become an an astronaut was cool, not nerdy" 
Never had someone that believed in me with encouragement.
Someone that understood the man that I wanted to become. Not someone great, just someone that I could be Proud of.  (crying a bit) 
All this I saw in your heart, all this I felt in your love and unsolicited help. All this made me breathe easier.

Then life got in the way. The cotton candy clouds that made up our world, gave way to the cumulus clouds of the everyday. Setting us into the storm patterns that would test that love.

It all began with your responsiblites and your inability to allow Love to temper your tongue.
Your tongue which first began to hurt, then sting, then whip, then lash. Until I was able to lash myself more effectively than the master, for I knew where all the demons lied.

Where sitting in a jail cell was a scene of my life that I would have never pictured. A hell , an Angels wings had been clipped. Fear caused me to graciously recount my steps until I could feel the warmth of the sun on my back again and know that God is with me.
 
That journey lasted from '90-'03, when I remembered that we are judged by the company that we keep. I was lacking in company of my suiting. It was time to molt let the pestilence fall away like the leaves awaiting a renewed spring day.

In '04 I was hatched again and the life that emerged wasn't as majestic as the eagle before. It was unsightly, awkward, frail and didn't look like it could survive a summers day let alone a winters nap.
I had lost my work the source of my independence. My health insurance, my source of  the ability to heal. Friends to call near for a source of support. I
called upon that cloud, he offered a last vestige of support under that wing.
 Sympatheic as that cloud was. The bird was no longer the same, niether was the interest. It (the cloud) , You were a tail feather left over from the molting, curious that it should stay, being reborn and all.
 
The tailfeather, you, were wilting and I couldn't quite get it out,so unmindfully I stuck another one (guy) in it's place. One though beautiful and comely, one ultimately more virulent in nature.

Remembering the spirit that is me. I bought an object more expressive of my nature, 1200cc's worth.  Then I powered down to Florida to just be able to breathe again.

I was able to take stock in that which was me. But my original nest kept calling me back home. Home where the air is toxic to the spirit, harmful to the soul. Home that will turn a young man to dust before his story could be told.

When my puppy died under that Florida sky, Elmocito. The last gift that the cloud, You could bestow. I knew it was time to test my renewed lungs under those toxic clouds. "Why complain about the air when there's nothing else to breathe".
A bird must complain for the sky is where we live. " Birds must fly, fish must swim, man must..." **

My plummage was coming in beautifully, my frame constantly tested under it's weight, something to work on. 
By the time I returned that new tail feather (guy) released it's poison into my artieral flow and said " now bitch, Grow". 
The city stole my ride and that tail feather never stopped feeding poison. I was under the influence of dark spirits. In a realm unfamiliar to those that live with the dawn. Subjected to severe recriminations - sacrificed willingly. For sometimes even the light of ones own spirit must be eclipsed, in order to divine the realm of the shadow. I had to fully understand, the ashes from which a Pheonix must be reborn. 
 
I survived. I had a project something greater than myself and nothing was going to get between it and me. 
My eyes became more Feral, my will became more impervious. My heart galvinized itself to the barbs, the needles, the hooks, the stabs, those things that could harm both seen and unseen.

It's 4:19 am I just got another transfusion, thank god for Dr. Drew may he rest in peace.

I've tried to reach out to the cloud,you, but besides it's form, nothing much was recognizable. I'd rather remember what was.
Since being in the hospital I've plucked out both tail feathers, they've withered againgst the outslaught of the souls inferno that lays beneath the skin. 
The plummage is growing in unhampered now and that awkward bird that once resembled a chicken is now taking on a Pheonix's gait. 

I can't spit fire yet or sing the pheonix's song, nor can I fly though I test my wings daily. But I know that I am content with my being. I am a creature of myth, a part of the stars. I am here to join the fight I am here to clear the Fuckin Air , because it is offensive to my sight. That's what complaining will get you.

As for those two tail feathers, well the new one I buried deep within the Earth, it has a few half lives to go through before it can return.

Interestingly Enuff my nurse Irina O., Russian immigrant is a Cancer, a nuturer. God is with us. I told her under tears that writing this has made me happy, she almost came to tears herself. It's 4:47am she's a cancer born 6/28/1985.

It's interesting because the new tail feather was a Cancer, the old one a Virgo. Both on either cusp of Leo. I was inhaling sulfur at the beginning and the end of the burn.

As for that old tail feather, You, Emanuel. I've released it to the atmosphere below and hope that it finds that cloud that I left behind not so long ago. Maybe that cloud will find some restorive change. Maybe it will understand, why it was my first love. 
It was a cosmic thing. Don't look down, look up.The Universe is within your sights.

"Love hath reason, that reason doth not know".

I found my gift in the void. The gift that would provide me the Peace that I would find in the work that I do. The peace matched the happiness (gaiety) that was naturally mine.  
 
I am contented. I am satisfied and fulfilled. This is the Peace and Happiness one finds, "when you walk through the storm". 

Remember keep your head up high, for "God is with Us". 

Vaya Con Dios.
                      Feroz

**The Secret Language of Birthdays 

Pisces please navigate the Void, the Abyss

There's a Void within Us.
Inexplicable though it maybe, it exists. 
Nature abhors a void.

The void is pervasive to the nature of man. It strikes like an ache that's felt but unlocated. Causing children distress, tantrums unchecked. Causing our youth to rebel, putting them into a frenzy of action that tests the discipline ingrained. 

It acts like a spatial anomoly, felt yet unseen. When you reach its event horizon you feel its pull. Clear and present danger. Careful the undertow might pull you in. Be afraid my children, "for God has troubled the Water".

A disciplined mind senses it's presence and begins to find a way to map the void. An irresponsible mind tries to ignore it.

An irresponsible mind runs from it thinking they'll find happiness and freedom the further they run. A disciplined mind knows that it follows you because it's tethered. 

Not without the pain of experimentation both the disciplined mind and the irresponsible begin to actively engage the void. Remember it's pervasive. It's also cunning. The predator has teeth and it pangs, it pangs for the attention that it seeks from it's host. "I am here, I am with you, I will not be ignored" 

The predator knows what it "wants". I want to have fun. I want to play. I want drink, drugs, sex, money, a nigger, a bitch. I want to be alone. Etc.

The trap is set for both the disciplined mind and the irresponsible. Success is measured by the navigation. Sometimes it's measured by shear luck. Such is the nature of the beast.

The void grows with you as you grow. It can guide your dreams and influence your passions. It has power over - it adds power, to your life. The void can make you weep. It can make you sing. It can make you invincible, it can make you weak. Yet when completely sensed by your spirit, the unseen reveals itself to your sight. It is dangerous and benign. You understand it's magnitude.
 
To be absolutely truthful it's meant as a gift. The gift is different for everyone. Means something different to everyone.

It's hope lies within you. Only you have the key. Only you can answer the call of the wild. Only you can tame the beast or be devoured by it.

Are you disciplined or are you irresponsible?

To the Neophytes of Terra I say this: your best defense against the beast lies in the words of your elders. Which elders? Anyone that seems to have the riens on thier life. 

As a youth, a boy. I was fortunate enuff to be raised in the company of my Great Grand mother. Not many have that privelege. When I took my first breath my Grandma Elsie already was working on her 55th rotation. Her friends equally so.

There was ages old wisdom amoungst these carribean women. Secrets seemingly as old as time to the ears of a seven year old watching them covort over a hot summers grill, a boatride, a picnic, a birthday party, a stint at the salon. 

Words of wisdom that rang true from thier mouths because the stories they told were lifes stories. The jokes they told, yes were meant to make them laugh but they laughed all the harded because the things they joked about were true. That's when a saavy seven year old started to understand the concept of irony. That things aren't always as they appear. Wisdom imparted, discplined instilled.

"A childs place is to be seen, not heard", many times that was told to me. I never resented it, I obeyed. A discplined child learns that, it doesn't mean you can't ask a question from time to time. Because from time to time the elders would gage if the answer was appropriate enuff for your ears. They didn't forget that you were there. Remember: "sit up, stop biting your nails". 

When they had to get rid of you because the conversation would get to deep all of a sudden, " go fetch grandma a Guiness stout" would be asked and I'd go skipping away because I wanted to be useful. They spoke thier secrets in peace. Innocense protected.

By the time I was fourteen, I was thirty because of thier exposure. That's the gift of the elders.

A closed mouth and an open ear can reveal many treasures that money can't provide. Jewels of wisdom. 

Secrets to the Void within our soul.
 
The trap is set. A new generation arrives. A predator awaiting each one lurking in the tall Serengetti grasses. The feast is about to begin. It is Darwinism at it's best. 

Who survives? It's simple, those that know not to provide the petulant beast what it wants, but to nuture it with what it "needs". What you need. Discipline.

When God in you feels that your listening, he whispers. When ignored he screams, growls, he bites. Such is the void. You hurt. 

The pain comes in many forms. Worry, anger, hatred, addiction of all forms, antisocialism, envy. Let's just say people that turn the party ugly.

When you learn to listen to the universe when it whispers to your soul. You may not get the order right at first but atleast you nuture the pang. 

From time to time even the discplined mind gets frustrated. For the Void is fastidious and it wants what it wants. But as you mature you understand that all wants can not be fulfilled or met and you must be content with what you need. 

When you find that contentment, whether it be through creating a family, finding work that fulfills you, simply getting inline with the rhythm of the universe, you are cleansed with satisfaction everyday. Peace and happiness await you like a shield against the trials of life. You smile easier, laugh harder, health is restored. Even your occassional bad habits aren't so much a malady. 

You step into the fresh spring air and look back at the winters blizzard and say, " Good God, what the Hell was that, that I went through". Smiling, knowing that though not unscathed, you survived. The Void has been crossed. The Perfect Storm has been weathered. 

You stop, gather yourself. Weep not for what has been lost. Be it friends, money, time or health. For you are at Peace, you are content. Satisfaction fills you and Paradise lies within.

Some survive the onslaught of the void with a few licks. Some are forever paralyzed by it and perish. Some get through it without ever quite understanding it's nature. Few look back at it and smile because they know they are forever changed for the better by it.

My journey through life was arduous not because of my fear of the Void, I hate fear. But because I saw the power of the void, it's strength. I mapped it time and again. Ever fickle was it's design. 

When I approached the event horizon it seemed like the best rollercoaster ride that I'd ever have. It scared me to death, my heart beat harder. It may have even skipped a beat. I aimed for the center and held on tight to the controls of my Space shuttle. Maximum shields Mr. Zulu, Spock I want a play by play. O'Hura release the communications bouy and alert Starfleet. Mr. Chekov prepare for the wakes. And Bones get prepared for casualties.
Jim I'm just an ole country doctor. 
Well then replicate a reserve batch of courage with a dose of faith and may God protect our souls. We're going in.

When I emerged, I had Astrology as my map and writing as my work. Fabutron was my purpose and I was set on my course. The child in me hasn't died, he steering my ship at fourteen. 

I am content, happy. It's 4:16 am Feb 28,2010. I'm lying in Lenox Hill hospital on my iPhone typing. Aren't these amazing times in which we live.

We are on the cusp of the Age of Aquarius open the window let the sun shine in.